Idiots Write About Sports

Here is your up-to-the-minute injury report on the Oakland Athletics’ active roster:
Harden, Rich: Back strain, 15-Day DL
Bradley, Milton: Strained oblique muscle, 15-Day DL
Chavez, Eric: Severe intestinal distress, Day-to-Day
Witasick, Jay: Mauled by bears, 15-Day DL
Kendall, Jason: Demonic possession, Suspended for exorcism
Loaiza, Esteban: Home run-itis, 15-Day DL
Kotsay, Mark: Rockin’ pneumonia and the boogie-woogie blues, Game-time decision
Blanton, Joe: The heartbreak of psoriasis, Day-to-day
Calero, Kiko: That flesh-eating bacteria that’s been going around, Game-time decision
Duchscherer, Justin: Bird flu, Out indefinitely
Flores, Ron: Hysterical blindness, Day-to-day
Haren, Danny: Just feeling a little bit punky, Day-to-day
Kennedy, Joe: Owies and boo-boos, Game-time decision
Street, Huston: Childhood polio, Day-to-day
Zito, Barry: Gunned down by anarchists at the Pan-American Exposition, Status unknown
Brown, Jeremy: Kinda husky, 30-Day DL
Melhuse, Adam: Whooping cough, Day-to-day
Crosby, Bobby: Woke up in hotel bathtub to find a kidney missing, Day-to-day
Ellis, Mark: Night terrors, 15-Day DL
Johnson, Dan: Legionnaire’s Disease, Day-to-day
Scutaro, Marco: Cursed by gypsy, turned into newt, Game-time decision
Thomas, Frank: Abducted by Zapatistas, 60-Day DL
Kielty, Bobby: Diptheria, Day-to-day
Payton, Jay: Condemned to the Phantom Zone by the Elders of Krypton, Day-to-day
Perez, Antonio: Feeling A-OK!, Game-time decision
Swisher, Nick: Unsighlty warts, Out for season
The probable pitchers for this weekend’s series against the Yankees:
Friday: Chien-Ming Wang (Yankees) vs. Matt Keough (Athletics)
Saturday Jaret Wright (Yankees) vs. Brad Halsey (Athletics)
Sunday: Randy Johnson (Yankees) vs. Winner of the Margarita King’s Make an Emergency Spot Start for the A’s promotion (Athletics)