Idiots Write About Sports

Sports stadiums throughout the country are a source of myth and legend. Yankee fans speak in hushed tones about the ghosts that dwell in Monument Park. Superstitious Red Sox fans used to note that the old order of retired numbers at Fenway Park — 9-4-1-8 — could be viewed as 9/4/18, the eve of Game 1 of the 1918 World Series. And of course, legend has it that at Giants Stadium in East Rutherford, New Jersey, former Teamsters boss Jimmy Hoffa enjoys the best seat in the house.

As popular as these stadium legend may be, they pale in comparison to perhaps the greatest sports myth of all — that a man named Milton Bradley roams the outfield for the Oakland Athletics.

Just as Loch Ness in Scotland is rumored to be home to a horrible monster named Nessie or that a creature called the Yeti roams the woods of the Pacific Northwest, so do urban legend believers maintain that a mythical figure dubbed Milton Bradley can — when the moon is full — be spotted in right field wearing an A’s uniform. Scientists have long disproven this fanciful tale, and yet, its adherents continue to insist that Milton Bradley is very real.

The A’s right fielder is said to take on many forms — that of a right-handed batter or, sometimes, a left-handed one or even a winged creature with baseball bats for arms. Depending on who’s telling this tall tale, Milton Bradley either dwells within the tunnels of the Oakland Coliseum or just beyond the center field fence or, most commonly, on the 15-day disabled list. No matter Bradley’s origins, eyewitness sightings follow the same patterns — Bradley appears suddenly in the middle of the A’s lineup, only to suffer a seemingly minor injury, at which point, he disappears in the blink of an eye.

Consider perhaps the most famous Bradley sighting, at the Ballpark in Arlington, Texas. Accounts for several different fans tell of a mysterious figure suddenly materializing at first base in a game between the Rangers and Athletics. Before his identity could be confirmed with a scorecard, this strange man injured his knee diving back to first on a pick-off attempt, as shown below in this artist’s rendering of the incident.

As the legend goes, the injured Bradley then disappeared in a puff of smoke, walking back to Oakland and dragging his injured leg behind him to create the Rio Grande.

Or maybe that was Pecos Bill. I’m not really up on this stuff.

At any rate, the mythical figure of Milton Bradley is said to possess several extraordinary powers, including:

• the power to hit from both sides of the plate, thereby providing protection to lackadaisical sluggers who would otherwise be overwhelmed by the demands of fame;

• the power to fly into horrible rages that have the power to destroy entire cities and franchsies;

• the power to cloud the minds of otherwise clear-headed general managers, tricking them into trading valuable prospects for a pig-in-a-poke; and

• the power to kill reporters with his steely gaze.

Sightings of this mystical Milton Bradley abound, typical among ticket-holders in the right field bleachers. However, since it is widely assumed that these people are drunk, their stories have been discounted. Indeed, the only recorded instance of a Milton Bradley sighting is this grainy amateur footage shot by a vacationing pharmaceuticals salesman. While many Bradley believers point to this picture as proof of Bradley’s existence, the authorities believe it’s probably just an old photo of Tony Phillips photoshopped into the picture.

Who is this mysterious batter?

For now, the existence of Milton Bradley remains unproven. If you have any evidence that this strange and wonderful creature actually walks among us — videotaped footage, notarized scorecards, dental records — don’t hesitate to contact us here at In Search Of… headquarters.

I’m Leonard Nimoy. Join us next week on In Search Of… when we tackle another myth surrounding the Oakland Athletics — that Lew Wolff wants to keep the team in the East Bay.

This myth is only kept alive by conspiracy theorists and bored townsfolk who re-tell it to gullible travelers.

Milton Bradley is a myth and nothing more.

... let me rephrase.. Milton Bradley is a boardgame publishing company and nothing more.

This being said, I must add that I heard he was once again sighted hitting consecutive homers off Ted Lilly last night. Unfortunately, no evidence was gathered as all possible witnesses were distracted by the night's other phenomenon--Gibbons's mysterious bloody nose.

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