Idiots Write About Sports

In keeping with a fine Idiots Who Write About Sports tradition, we present our World Cup predictions long after the event itself has actually started. Lest you think these picks are in any way influenced by the dozen or so games that have already been played, let me assure you that’s not the way I roll. Which will become abundantly clear by the time you get to my disastrous Group A selections.

Sorry, no gratuitous photos of beauty pageant contestants this time around.

Group A

Winner: Germany
Also In: Poland

Well. Got the German pick right more than likely.

As for the Polish, let’s just chalk this up to being blinded by loyalty to the ancestral homeland. This became readily apparent on Friday afternoon when I took an extended lunch to watch the Poland-Ecuador match in the offices of some Irish fellows who work a few floors below me. They had a plasma-screen TV set up in their office that was picking up the TSN feed from Canada (no constant ESPN/ABC jibber-jabber there), which was quite pleasant. They were also foul-mouthed and unrestrained in their commentary, which also, oddly enough, made the afternoon appealing.

“You’re rooting for Poland?” one of the Irish fellows asked me as Ecuador raced out to a 1-nil lead. I confirmed that I was. “Poland is shite,” he replied.

And really, it’s not like I could rebut that.

Still, I’m looking forward to the match against Germany tomorrow. After all, when was the last time a bunch of Poles got to storm across the German border?

Group B

Winner: England
Also In: Sweden

That Sweden pick was looking a whole lot better before the draw with T&T. Still, all the Swedes have to do is beat Paraguay — doable — and maintain dignity against the English — also doable, since England has yet to score a goal of its own in the tournament.

Group C

Winner: Argentina
Also In: Netherlands

Group of death! Group of death!

Group D

Winner: Portugal
Also In: Mexico

Watched the Portugal-Angola game over at Jason’s on Sunday in glorious high-definition. Never has stupefying inaction been so well-defined. Now, the Iran-Mexico match, on the other hand — that was exciting. Late goals! Come from behind victories! Jokes about enriching uranium! In short, all the things I look for when watching a sporting event.

Group E

Winner: Czech Republic
Also In: United States

Yeah. How’s that working out for you?

In fairness to me, my secret plan to both get the U.S. into the second round and end inflation involved the U.S. losing to the Czechs, while drawing against Italy and beating the Ghanaians like a drum. Going down 3-nil to the Czechs kind of throws a wrench into those plans; also, Ghana doesn’t quite look like the pushover I had hoped it would be.

Well — sometimes it’s an honor just to get invited.

Group F

Winner: Brazil
Also In: Brazil’s B squad

Seriously. Does it really matter who you pick in this group other than Brazil? Is there any doubt that the three other teams in Group F are really just playing for second, that they will gladly take their whooping from Brazil if it means advancing to the second round? I mean, I guess I’ll say that Croatia will be the team to get through, but really, it wouldn’t surprise me in the least if Australia or Japan were to advance instead, especially since I picked against them.

One last word about the Brazilians, courtesy of Deadspin:

As has been pointed out, Brazil is like the Yankees it’s OK to like. Few people think the Brazilians are arrogant or full of themselves, and rarely do people root against them. We think it’s because every single Brazilian person we’ve ever met is extremely attractive. That’s more than we can say for Johnny Damon or Melky Cabrera.

Let me tell you a story involving your faithful correspondent. Exactly 10 years ago, I was working as a g.a. reporter for a paper in a rotten little cowtown. And just about the only two things that made life even arguably tolerable were the presence of a local minor league baseball team, giving me someplace to drink and watch sports during my off-hours, and an insanely attractive co-worker, giving me reason to shave and groom myself. The co-worker was nice enough to deign to go out with me once or twice, but eventually, found herself a serious boyfriend — an unspeakably handsome Brazilian gent — and moved out of the rotten little cowtown.

So Brazil can suck eggs as far as I’m concerned.

Group G

Winner: France
Also In: South Korea

This is one of those times where I’m kicking myself for posting these picks so ridiculously late. Because for the past few days, I’ve been telling anyone who would listen — Jason, mostly, since he hasn’t figured out how to vary his routes to his office in the morning — that the Swiss had never lost to France during the qualifying stages, and that the Swiss would probably play the French really tight in their opener and take their chances with the Koreans and the Togolese in the remaining games.

Which is exactly what happened so far. And if I had just posted this 24 hours ago, I would have looked like a freakin’ savant. Instead, I look like some sort of Monday-morning quarterback who has weird, unprovoked grudges against South American soccer superpowers.

Group G

Winner: Ukraine
Also In: Spain

OK, here’s a prediction I can still make. The Ukranians are going to ride Andriy Shevchenko a very long way in this tournament. Also, the Spanish will be disappointing. And the sun will probably rise at some point.

As for the rest of the tournament, let’s go to the jump…

Second Round

Germany over Sweden
England over Poland
Argentina over Mexico
Netherlands over Portugal
Czech Republic over Croatia
Brazil over the U.S.
France over Spain
Ukraine over Korea

Quarterfinals

Argentina over Germany
France over Czech Republic
England over Netherlands
Brazil over Ukraine

Semi-finals

France over Argentina
Brazil over England

Finals

And your World Cup Champion is France, defeating Brazil 3-1 on a pair of Thierry Henry goals.

What do you think of that pick, Miss Australia?

Fabulous.

Not sure if you're watching, but Ukraine just got hosed in their match against Spain on the worst PK call I've seen in a long time. Even so, the Spanish are playing very very well.

I have Australia coming out of group with Brazil; the Socceroos showed some real flash in running over Japan, and they have the best damn coach in the world.

Also, I think you underestimate the power of home field advantage in pushing the Germans out in the quarters. Argentina is tough, but this German squad looks fierce, and the crowds will be a big advantage.

"After all, when was the last time a bunch of Poles got to storm across the German border?"

Very true. Traditionally, they're shipped across in freight trains.

There ya go, Phil. Does that better meet your expectations of me?

Sucks about the France-Switzerland thing. That was my take on it, too. I was lucky enough to put it in writing on a message board the day before, so I don't face your frustrations.

On the Ukraine-Spain thing, I'm glad I didn't make a call--cuz, damn! I did back Tunisia over the Saudis though, and came out with egg on my face.

John: I happened to turn on the TV right as the red card was being shown. Terrible, terrible call. And really, all it did was ensure that Ukraine lost 4-nil instead of 2-nil. Not a very impressive performance at all.

The Australians could very well make it out of the group -- an impressive win the other day. Then again, I saw Japan play in the U.S. friendly back in February, and they could just as easily sneak back in there with a win against Croatia and a halfway decent showing against Brazil. Maintain dignity, Nippon.

Steve: Yes, that's much more like it. And as I remarked to more than one person today, Germany's 1-nil win today was the worst thing any squadron of highly-trained Germans has ever done to Poland.

Well, except for that other thing.

aznemesis: Just keep picking draws. That's the secret to successful soccer punditry.

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