Idiots Write About Sports

From the good people at Deadspin comes word that the first battle of this year’s World Cup over in Germany has already been fought and won, with a surprise participant claiming the victory. Yes, Miss Togo has won the highly coveted Miss World Cup crown. You can get the straight dope on the competition from this German-language Web site.

(Incidentally, one of the more awkward moments of my marriage came when I had to ask my wife, who translates a pretty passable German, to help me navigate through a Web site containing cheesecake photos of beauty pageant contestants so that I could ostensibly write informed comedy about the event. It is to my wife’s everlasting credit that she agreed to this task with nary a raised eyebrow nor a sarcastic rejoinder.)

Anyhoo, I don’t mean to suggest that Miss Togo is not a deserving champion — I certainly wouldn’t give her a red card for chewing bubble gum. But as far as I’m concerned, any international beauty competition where the Australian does not place in the top three should immediately be considered suspect. It is fact, not opinion, that the Australians are the most beautiful people in the world, having wrested the title from the Swedes sometime in the early ’90s without ever looking back. The men are rugged and chiseled; the women sun-kissed and fetching. I have never met an unattractive Australian, and I’ve encountered at least a half-dozen, which seems like a fairly representative sample size. I’m sure that even the merely passably good-looking are put on skiffs and cast adrift onto the Indian Ocean, just so that the country doesn’t risk lowering its quotient for general beauty. That the entrant from the Land Down Under was unable to finish at or near the top is to the everlasting shame of the Miss World Cup 2006 competition and certainly not to Miss Australia.

As I watched this stirring video of the event, featuring a Hasselhoffian-esque anthem called Stand Up for the Champions as well as footage of a clown menacing the contestants, I couldn’t help but wonder, how the competition might have fared differently had the Miss World Cup pageant been contested like the World Cup itself. Group the participants into eight pools, with two contestants advancing from each group into a series of knockout rounds until an eventual champion is crowned. Would such a setup have produced a vastly different result than Miss Togo’s stirring victory? And more important, would handling the Miss World Cup pageant in this manner give us some sort of insight into how the international soccer competition might shake out?

Read on past the jump to see what photos of pretty beauty pageant contestants can tell us about the upcoming World Cup.

Before we continue, I just want to express my dismay at the entrants from my home and native land as well as my ancestral homeland. Things may be looking up for the U.S. soccer-wise, but it is clear we did not approach our participation in the Miss World Cup competition with the same kind of rigor. As for Poland, I cannot believe the land of my forefathers sent their A-team. As a Pole, I haven't been this embarrassed since Wojciech Jaruzelski declared martial law in 1981.

Really. It was very embarrassing. Maybe you had to have been there.

So while I try and choke down my shame, let's bring out the girls! These picks were made in consultation with a number of my cohorts, including commentary from my wife. ("Oh, she's had work done" was a familiar refrain...)

Group A: Costa Rica, Ecuador, Germany, Poland

Advancing to the knock-out round:

Costa Rica

Germany

Grumblings about Poland aside, this is the beauty pageant equivalent of the Group of Death you're always hearing people yammering on about in soccer.

Cuidado! El Grupo del muerto!

Group B: England, Paraguay, Sweden, Trindad & Tobago

Advancing to the knock-out round:

England

Trinidad & Tobago

We expected more from you, Sweden.

Group C: Argentina, Ivory Coast, Netherlands, Serbia & Montenegro

Advancing to the knock-out round:

Netherlands

Serbia & Montenegro

Good tourney for the ampersand nations, so far.

Group D: Angola, Iran, Mexico, Portugal

Advancing to the knock-out round:

Iran

Angola

Just a hunch, but I'm guessing Iran's representative in this pageant probably did so without much support from her country's government.

Group E: Czech Republic, Ghana, Italy, U.S.

Advancing to the knock-out round:

Italy

Czech Republic

Probably what's going to happen in the actual tourney, too.

Group F: Australia, Brazil, Croatia, Japan

Advancing to the knock-out round

Australia

Japan

Seriously, the entire country of Australia has to know they've got it going on, right?

Group G: France, South Korea, Switzerland, Togo

Advancing to the knock-out round

France

Togo

One must respect the record of the Togonese in Miss World Cup competitions.

Group H: Saudia Arabia, Spain, Tunisa, Ukraine

Advancing to the knock-out round

Saudi Arabia

Ukraine

Again, you have to figure that Miss Saudi Arabia is not making her residence in Riyadh these days.

Second-round:

Costa Rica defeats Trindad & Tobago
England defeats Germany
Iran defeats Serbia & Montenegro
Netherlands defeats Angola
Australia defeats Czech Republic
Italy defeats Japan
Ukraine defeats France
Saudi Arabia defeats Togo

Quarterfinals
Netherlands defeats Costa Rica
England defeats Iran
Australia defeats Saudi Arabia
Ukraine defeats Italy

Semi-Finals
Netherlands defeats Ukraine
Australia defeats England

Which leaves us with a finals of...

The Netherlands

versus

Australia

In a corking final -- and a bit of an upset -- I'm going to have to hang with the Dutch. Which means that, if life winds up imitating art, Ruud Van Nistelrooy and the rest of the Orangemen will upend Mark Viduka and the Socceroos in Berlin next month.

But if she asks, you tell Miss Australia I was rooting for her the whole time.

I still cannot believe you considered Miss France. That country did not bring its A-game either, in my opinion.

Such are the vagaries of pool play that for every superpower that gets eliminated early, a weaker link sometimes sneaks through to the knock-out round. So it is with the World Cup itself, so shall it be with the Miss World Cup competition.

And so we come to yet another of those awkward marriage moments, in which the wife questions the husband's taste in women.

Incidentally, I heard that Miss Togo was originally considered a heavy underdog, but the judges felt that Miss Subway didn't seem fresh, and the entrant from Quizno showed up toasted.

When it came to my attention that you had commented, Steve, I asked myself, "Oh goodness -- what sort of hilariolusly lewd commentary has Steve-o posted now?" And what do I find? Puns based on sandwich franchises.

Well played, sir. Clearly, you wield a palette that contains _all_ the colors of the comedy rainbow.

Indeed, my good man. While I most frequently work in browns and various shades of pink, I am currently going through what may later be referred to as my sandwich period. Be sure to bookmark this comments page, it should be worth a pretty penny someday.

The tournament is a great idea. I thought of it before I saw yours but I still gave you credit on my blog for beating me to it. Japanese girl vs. the Costa Rican girl, who ya got? That's my final.

miss ksa

Post a comment

Name:

Email Address:

URL:
Remember Me? YesNo

Comments: