Idiots Write About Sports

As you may or may not know, we are wrapping up a massive renovation of our bathroom, replacing the old room — apparently built by clowns with a perverse sense of humor and no handiness with tools whatsoever — with one that actually meets city codes. As this is our only bathroom, we faced a difficult choice at the beginning of this renovation project:

1) Hold it for the next six weeks.
2) Rent a port-a-john.

Since I lack the necessary discipline, we went with the port-a-john option. It sets right there next to our garage on what happens to be a very busy intersection. Nevertheless, our experience with throwback plumbing has passed without incident, save for the fact that Lisa swears that every time she uses the facilities, entire convoys pull up at all four corners to point and stare.

Or it had passed without incident until the other night.

I was awoken at 3 a.m. by the unmistakable sound of inebriated chatter — either drunks or teens or, most likely, drunken teens. Then, I heard another unmistakable sound — that of drunkards rocking a port-a-john back and forth as if to tip it.

Well, I flew into action, so long as you define “flew” as got out of bed, flipped on the lights, tracked down some slippers, grabbed an implement of toilet defense, and eventually sauntered outside to dispense a little street justice. By that time, the drunks or teens or drunken teens had fled, which was just as well given my poor choice of implements. The toilet remained upright though knocked askew at a 60-degree angle from where we had placed in in our yard.

(My implement was a very long, very sharp kitchen knife — perfectly fine for dicing onions but not so good at fending off punks trying to tip over outhouses. Sadly, this was the best choice on short notice. I don’t own a gun, not out of some aversion to gun ownership but rather because the over-under on me shooting off my own foot would be about five minutes after picking one up. Back when I lived up in the mountains, I had a hatchet that I could use to chase off potential evil-doers, but again, you city folk tend to over-react to the sight of a man running down the street waving a hatchet. Long story short, I think it’s time to peruse the merchandise over at Easton.)

All of this is a round-about way of saying that the fight-or-flight reflex had kicked in, and getting back to sleep was just not going to happen. And after perusing the morning papers — the ones that had been published online at that early hour anyhow — I found myself with a surplus of time on my hands and unfocused energy.

That’s when I came across this Los Angeles Times article on the all-time Dodger/Angels team. The conceit is that it’s a 25-man roster filled with players who spent time on both Southern California clubs during the course of their careers.

It’s not a very formidable squadron. The best player on the team is Don Sutton, who was the ace of the Dodger staff during his tenure in Chavez Ravine and a valuable contributor to the Angels when he played in Anaheim. And after Sutton, it’s a long drop down — a lot of spots taken up by the likes for Frank Robinson, who had a cup of coffee with both teams at the end of his career, and Steve Bilko, who did his most prodigious hitting for the Angels when they were in the Pacific Coast League.

But that set my racing mind a-thinking: just who would be on a joint A’s-Giants team made up for players who played for both franchises during their careers? And could that Bay Area All-Star squadron take on its Southern California counterpart?

These are the questions that trouble me at 3 a.m.

Actually, what was more troubling was finding a list of players who had been on both the A’s and Giants since 1968 (the year that the Athletics arrived in Oakland). I seem to remember seeing such a list in one of the old Oakland media guides, but a cursory search turned up nothing. Google was no help. And my memory figured to be even more useless. So what I did was pan through 37 years of rosters for each franchise at Baseball-reference.com and look for identical names. I eventually found enough people to fill up a 25-man roster — had a lot of time on my hands, remember? — but I almost certainly overlooked someone who should be on the team. I welcome your corrections and denunciations.

Two people who aren’t on the team, but probably should be are Willie McCovey and Orlando Cepeda. Obviously, Stretch and the Baby Bull established their hall of fame credentials with the Giants. Across the Bay? Not so much. Cepeda logged all of three at bats in an Oakland uniform; McCovey trumped him at 24 at bats. And all this came at a time when, if you were a Major League ballplayer and Charlie Finley hadn’t traded for you, chances were good that you had died during the off-season. Anyhow, I wanted my joint Bay Area team to include players who spent at least half-a-season with each club. (There are a couple of exceptions out of necessity.) So McCovey and Cepeda are out — if you disagree with my reasoning, let me hear about it in the comments.

So, let’s get this pointless exercise — fueled by an insomniac’s rage — started with a look at the starting infield…

1B: Dave Kingman
2B: Ray Durham
SS: Tito Fuentes
3B: Phil Garner

Kong is probably the second best player to spend any length of time on both sides of the Bay. He hit 100 home runs as an Athletic and another 77 with the Giants — I seem to recall him making an All-Star Game with Oakland as well, even though Baseball-Reference says I’m full of hoey. Ray Durham spent half-a-season in Oakland, but it happened to coincide with a 20-game win streak; one might argue that the subsequent four seasons in San Francisco have been less eventful. Tito Fuentes played his first nine years in San Francisco… and wrapped up his career furtively in Oakland at a time the A’s were just a miserable ball club. Remember that exception I mentioned in the paragraph about McCovey and Cepeda? That accounts for Phil Garner’s presence on the team. He broke in with the A’s, he made all of 14 plate appearances with the Giants, but I’ll be damned if I can find another third baseman who spent any amount of time with both teams.

Your starting outfielders…

RF: Felipe Alou
CF: Billy North
LF: Dusty Baker

I vowed to myself to limit this team to just one Alou — all three brothers spent time on each side of the Bay, but Felipe probably had the best season in both locales (.271/.308/.367 in his one full season in Oakland, plus six solid seasons with the Giants). Billy North is one of the few cross-Bay All Stars who can claim decent stints in both cities. (Well, San Francisco, not so much, but we loved those World titles in Oakland, Billy!) You didn’t think I would pass up an excuse to put Dusty Baker — the favorite player of my misspent youth — on the team, did you?

Your starting rotation…

Vida Blue
Kelly Downs
Gil Heredia
Scott Sanderson
John D’Acquisto

Looking at contributions to both franchises, Vida Blue is the best player to ply his trade in both Oakland and San Francisco. He won a Cy Young and MVP award in Oakland. By my count, 72 of his 209 career wins came as a Giant. And in his post-career days, his miserable experiences with Finley so soured him on Oakland that he sought out and won a front-office sinecure with San Francisco.

As for the rest of the rotation, Downs is probably remember fondly on neither side of the Bay. Same goes for Sanderson, assuming he’s even remembered at all ‘round these parts. (He spent the bulk of his multi-city career in Montreal and Wrigley.) John D’Acquisto is there because, well, convention, these days demands that a rotation have five starters. And as for Dr. Gil (20 games as a Giant, far too many as an Athletic)…

Years from now, when I am bouncing my still-as-of-yet-theoretical son on my knee, boring him to tears with tales of baseball, I expect he will look at me and say, “Daddy… did the A’s really give a lifelong mediocrity like Gil Heredia two starts in the 2000 American League divisional series against the Yankees, including a start in the decisive Game Five?” And I will look at my son with love in my eyes and say, “Shut up, kid. I don’t flaunt your failures in your face, do I?”

Your closer…

CL: Keith Foulke

Yeah, I went with Foulke, for his one terrific season with the A’s and his 11-game cup of coffee in San Francisco, if for no other reason, than to remind Giants fans that Joe Nathan wasn’t the only closer to get away. Besides, consider the rest of the bullpen…

Relievers: Tim Worrell, Elias Sosa, Goose Gossage, Ernie Camacho, Jay Watisick

Not exactly the Murderers’ Row of pitching staffs. Worrell and Witasick had their moments with both clubs, Goose was past his prime by the time he hit the Bay, and Ernie Camacho is a live, warm body. As for Elias Sosa…

Here’s a bit of trivia that will impress exactly no one… Elias Sosa is one of two pitchers to play for four of the five Major League teams in California (A’s, Giants, Dodgers, Padres). The other? The aforementioned John D’Acquisto (A’s, Giants, Padres, Angels). Amuse your friends and irritate your neighbors with this insubstantial bit of knowledge.

You know what position I haven’t dealt with yet? Catcher. You know why?

Because the guys who played catcher for both the A’s and the Giants were kind of awful.

Near as I can figure, Bill Bathe, Bob Kearney, and Brent Mayne were the only three players to don the tools of ignorance in both the 415 and 510 area codes. (This is by no means an exhaustive study.) When Brent Mayne is your best choice for a backstop, you are dealing with a thin crop of candidates. We’ll go with Bathe as the backup for his ultimately pointless heroics in Game Three of the the 1989 Bay Bridge World Series.

Bob Kearney never played in a Bay Bridge World Series.

The rest of the bench

1B: Mike Aldrete
2B: Manny Trillo
SS: Johnny LeMaster
3B/OF: Kevin Mitchell
OF: Mike Kingery

Mitchell’s a bit of a cheat since he was in no physical shape to play third by the time he wound up in Oakland. Mike Kingery is the subject of one of my all-time favorite baseball puns. (“A horse! A horse! Mike Kingery for a horse!”) Johnny LeMaster is here because I love to rub Jason’s nose in his existence.

Now the real question: Could this Bay-Area All-Star Team — managed by Alvin Dark, who won pennants in both cities — defeat a team comprised entirely of Shakespearian characters? I do not like our chances.

I wouldn't want him on my team -- not if I valued my eardrums and sanity -- but you should probably have mentioned Joe Morgan.

Thought about Morgan, but he spent just one year with the A's, and he was absolutely miserable (.244/.356/.351). You'd have to go back to his first stint with the Astros to find numbers that poor. He was better with the Giants, but he only played two years there. In short, Durham just struck me as a better choice for the starting role, given the length of his tenure in San Francisco and the depth of his impact in Oakland.

Morgan may have been a better choice than Manny Trillo as the backup, though.

Checking Baseball-Reference, he was actually above-average in that season with the A's (103 OPS+) because the league OBP in the context of Oakland-Alameda was .317. But Trillo would have been a lot less annoying to sit next to on the bench.

Phil - may I humbly suggest Gary Alexander as the starting C. After the Giants dealt him to the A's in the Blue trade, the A's got 10 homers out of him in 174 at bats in less than half a season, and shipped him to Cleveland for Joe "Tarzan" Wallis. Don't worry, I didn't spend any late night hours researching this, just looked at an old ANG article I had saved about players who'd played on both teams. I heartily endorse Bill Bathe as the backup!

Mac: Indeed. And just the other day when I was thumbing through the Baseball Prospectus annual, I saw the blurb on Craig Biggio, which mentioned that Morgan tallied a .283 EQA in his final season -- not bad for a guy in his forties. So he replaces Trillo -- Morgan can be the designated bunter and guy who grounds out to second to advance the runner.

Jimbo: Anything that gets Brent Mayne off a roster is fine by me. You're cut, Shushie!

Oddly enough, I glossed over Alexander when looking at the Blue trade; I nearly included John Henry Johnson as the fifth starter on the team, until I realized that he never played a game with the Giants.

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