Idiots Write About Sports

We are alerted by Deadspin to the battle of wits taking place between erstwhile Athletics Cory Lidle and Arthur Rhodes as the former leaves the latter behind in Philadelphia. Traded to the Yankees, Lidle used his departure from Philadelphia as a forum to discuss how he didn’t exactly feel the love from his ex-teammates. Arthur Rhodes responded as only Arthur Rhodes can, with rancor and histrionics:

“He is a scab,” Rhodes said of Lidle, who according to Rhodes was a replacement player during the 1995 spring training lockout with the Brewers. “When he started, he would go 51/3 innings and (the bullpen) would have to win the game for him. The only thing Cory Lidle wants to do is fly around in his airplane and gamble.

“He doesn’t have a work ethic. After every start, he didn’t run or lift weights. He would sit in the clubhouse and eat ice cream.”

We love, love, love this story for several reasons:

1. Cory Lidle was the starting pitcher for one of our most miserable experiences at the ballpark, Game Four of the 2001 American League Division Series against the New York Yankees. We can still see Cory Lidle standing on the mound, taking approximately 45 minutes in between pitches as the thought of throwing the ball anywhere near the plate apparently filled him with abject terror. Considering that the Yankees’ starter that day was Orlando Hernandez, who apparently labors under the belief that he is paid by the hour, this game took an estimated four days, seven hours and 32 minutes to complete. Anyhow, we are giddy at the thought that Yankees fans will now have the distinct pleasure of watching Cory Lidle come up small when the chips are on the line, and we advise those same fans to pack ample food and water to any playoff game he should happen to pitch.
2. It is always nice to catch up with Enemy of the People Arthur Rhodes and see how his one-man battle to take every sentence ever uttered as a personal affront is going. If Arthur could only put half the effort into pitching as he does into taking offense at the slightest provocation, then they would be clearing space next to Bruce Sutter’s plaque at that museum up in Cooperstown for Rhodes’ eventual enshrinement.

   Or course, Rhodes simply sucks, so they won’t have to go through the bother.

3. Our secret shame is that we spend far too much time playing dice baseball, certainly more than any grown man should spend. And since the particular game we play licenses its player cards from the Major League Baseball Players Association and since replacement players are expressly forbidden from reaping the rewards of being included in such games, we are intimately familiar with the fake names that have been assigned to players who crossed the picket line. Cory Lidle’s dice baseball pseudonym is Fuller Starr.

   We advise all Yankee fans to begin cheering for him under that name.

   In case you are curious, other one-time A’s who have to assume a fake name to appear in dice baseball are: Ron Mahay (Red Crestwood); Frank Menechino (Jerry Legler); Damian Miller (Don Cross); Joe Slusarski (Bob Bleacher), and Jeff Tam (Todd Pearl).

   For my money, the greatest fake name in all of dice baseball history is the one assigned to Shane Spencer: Jimmy Ladd. If my life ever takes such a drastic turn that I have to assume a new identity, chances are the name I will choose to begin my new life on the lam is going to be Jimmy Ladd. Either that, or Michael Philips since half my mail is addressed that way anyhow.

Post a comment