Idiots Write About Sports

C’mon… you didn’t think we’d let The Most Meaningful Cal Game Since the Eisenhower Administration come to pass only to leave you high and dry, did you? Oh sure, Jason is otherwise indisposed — having paid a king’s ransom for tickets, he’s currently sitting in the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum end zone. (“Watching the game from space,” he told me during our pre-game phone call that sound as if it was originating from with the Cal Band’s brass section.) But I’m still here to walk you through what will either be a landmark Cal victory or a horrific defeat that will fill us with enough recriminations and regret to last half a lifetime.

So yeah, a lot of emotions going on there.

We are watching this game semi-live through the courtesy of TiVo , and the good graces of our wife, who has ceded control of the Schmeiser-Michaels television set with nary a roll of the eyes heavenward. And we’ll be checking in with witicisms and crys to our God for death throughout the evening. Jason has promised to send in observations from his blimp’s-eye vantage point, too — or as many observations as his fragile emotional state will allow.

Of course, the last time I tried something like this — the 2005 All-Star Game — it was done to the resounding indifference of the public at large. So that, plus the possibility that things could get Cal-vs.-Tennessee ugly really quick, could mean that I’ll be posting Thanksgiving recipes and lyrical poems about my cats midway through the second quarter.

And with that, powered by a Gordn Biersch Marzen and a fairly disappointing cheese plate, let’s get it on like Donkey Kong…

5:15: I listened to the Ohio State-Michigan game on the radio; immediately after it ended, the local affiliate cut to ESPN Radio programming, in which Mel Kiper Jr. gave his very deep thoughts about Cal-USC.

Mel's take: Because of last week's loss to Arizona that removed the Bears from National Championship consideration, Cal is likely to come out flat tonight against USC, because two years ago, the team did not beat Southern Miss convincingly enough to secure a Rose Bowl berth and then played horribly in the Holiday Bowl, which was obviously a result of them being all disappointed and not racked with injury or matched up with a Texas Tech team that could pick apart their substandard pass defense. No, not at all. It's because the Bears are fragile flowers, apparently.

So to sum up, the results of a game played two years ago involving many players who have since graduated is the deciding factor in tonight's contest.

Thanks for that insight, Mel.

You will also be glad to note that Mel thinks the Bears have nothing left to play for, except to be the spoiler for USC's championship hopes. That furious typing you hear is the Rose Bowl Committee firing off an e-mail to Mel, requesting that he remove his immaculately coifed head of hair from the confines of his anal cavity.

Please keep this example of Mel Kiper Jr.'s thought process in mind the next time he's telling you why you should care about some obscure interior lineman from Maryland.

I hasten to add... Mel could well be right that USC will take it to Cal tonight. But his reasoning -- games contested two years ago are an indicator of future results -- is idiotic. I think Cal's going to win because I'm wearing a blue shirt -- I could be right about the result, but that doesn't make the way I arrived at the conclusion any less non-sensical.

5:30 p.m.: Well, Cal has yet to establish the run game, but they did manage a pair of third-down conversions, which, as Brad Nessler noted, already surpasses their success rate from last year's match-up. That's hopeful.

Less hopeful: apparently, the Bears' hang-back-and-let-them-catch-it pass defense is the one that made the trip down from Berkeley. That bodes ill.

5:32 p.m.: Aaaaaaaaaaaaand it looks like the pass defense has been giving the run defense a lesson in how to be completely ineffectual.

5:36 p.m.: Well, that was a deflating -- if ultimately correct -- call by the officials. Made all the more galling by the sound of Paul Maguire crowing mid-runback about how the play was coming back. This is my first prolonged exposure to Maguire this season, and me no like what me hear so far. I've got another three-plus quarters of listening to this doddering old man? The Thanksgiving recipes and cat poems may start sooner than we imagined.

Great tackled by Bernard Hicks there on third down to hold USC to a field goal. 3-zip, Trojans.

5:50 p.m.: Just one man's opinion here, but DeSean Jackson should have defended better on that interception. It's a judgment call -- he probably thought he still could have make the catch -- but putting a hand in the USC defender's face almost certainly would have turned that into a harmless incompletion.

Or maybe, it was just part of Cal's crafty plan to ring up a safety, as the Bear's defense tackles C.J. Gable in the end zone before I can even formulate my mild scolding of Jackson. 3-2, USC, but Cal's getting the ball back.

5:59 p.m.: Because ESPN/ABC opted for the shot-from-the-end-zone angle on Cal's third-and-15 play, my guess is that Marshawn Lynch either gained three feet or 7,000 yards on that run.

To clever directors who think that weird camera angles freshen up their telecasts: If I wanted to have a crappy view of the play, I would have paid hundreds of dollars to sit next to Jason from his seat orbiting the Coliseum.

6:01 p.m.: A tip of the hat to the USC band for cheekily playing "All Right Now" (otherwise known as the Stanford Fight Song) anytime something horrific, like a Nate Longshore fumble, happens to the Bears. Also, congratulations to the USC band for learning to play a song other than " Fight On" and "Conquest."

6:11 p.m.: As the Bears take possession deep in their own territory, they are failing to follow the advice of Tedford the All Knowing Bear:

6:13 p.m.: You know something? I've completely forgotten who's country this is.

Man, if only John Cougar Mellencamp could come along to remind me in song.

6:14 p.m.: Our first contact with Jason:

Jason: Very odd score.
Me: The Angels lead the A's 3-2.
Jason: Fight on... And on...

6:19 p.m.: More from Jason:

Barn burner!! Or maybe someone fell asleep in the barn.

And...

This is a clash of the cretins.

USC settles for a figgie. 6-2. The optimist in me says they'll regret letting Cal hang around. The pessimist says that the two FGs might hold up as the margin of victory.

6:24 p.m.: The blind squirrel finds his acorn, as Paul Maguire berates the Trojans kickoff team for trying to pick up the loose ball and advance it for a touchdown instead of just falling on it to secure possession. This always gets my goat, and if you happen to ever watch a football game with me when this happens, you will hear me screaming for someone to fall on the ball.

Except when Cal nearly lost the ball just there. Then, I was screaming something decidedly less family-friendly.

6:26 p.m.: That's now two big Cal plays shot from ABC/ESPN's "How Gophers See the Game" camera angle -- Lynch's run earlier and now the DeSean Jackson bobble, catch and run. I didn't think it was possible for someone to give Fox's baseball coverage a run for the coveted Most Over-Produced Sports Telecast, but ABC/ESPN is making a believer of me.

6:30 p.m.: This is what it's come to: immediately after the six yard Longshore-to-Hawkins touchdown pass, I waited about 15 seconds to celebrate, fully expecting the play to get called back. That's how it works, right? Every Cal play is negated by instant replay?

OK, the Marzen's beginning to kick in. Time for a little hair of the dog... 9-6, Bears.

6:39 p.m.: Pretty ugly first half. Cal made a lot of mistakes, wasted good field position throughout the game, and was able to finish only one drive with panache... And yet, they're 30 minutes away from a Rose Bowl berth. I'm almost afraid of saying anything else, lest I jinx it in any way. More later...

6:49 p.m.: OK, one additional thought... remember when Notre Dame used to break out the green jerseys for the real big games... the USCs, the Michigans, and programs of that ilk? So now they're wearing the green jerseys in a meaningless game against Army?

The ways of the Fighting Irish are mysterious to me.

6:57 p.m.: Perusing the scores at halftime, I just noticed that Arizona dismantled Oregon today. That's now three consecutive wins against teams that are probably winding up in bowl games, making Arizona just one very winnable game away from getting in a bowl game itself. Or to put it another way, perhaps losing to the Wildcats was not the unbearable shame some commenters would have you believe.

Second half starting now...

7:04 p.m.: From your deranged grandfather, Paul Maguire: "I could almost reach out and touch the players on the sidelines."

Players on the sidelines: "Please don't."

7:06 p.m.: As USC punts away, there's anteresting factoid brought up on the college football chat being held by my friends at The Griddle. According to the great Bob Timmermann:

134 yards of [first half] offense for USC and 98 were on the initial drive.

That kinda tells the tale so far, doesn't it?

7:16 p.m.: Remember how I said how much I hated when players tried to pick up a fumble instead of just fall on it? I think I found a play I hate more -- the attempt-a-long-field-goal-and-watch-helpless-as-the-Trojan-waiting-in-the-end-zone-fields-the-inevitably-short-kick-and-runs-it-back-to-the-30 play. I mean, if you're willing to risk USC advancing the ball that far up the field, why not just go for it on fourth-and-5?

7:24 p.m.: The decision to try a field goal continues to irritate me... and watching USC march down the field is only adding to my anger. Thank goodness in the time it took me to type that sentence that the Bears stopped USC cold. It's now fourth-and-15 from the Bears' 32. USC calls time out. Let's see if Pete Carroll is smarter than Jeff Tedford in this instance.

7:30 p.m: The which-coach-is-smarter debate will have to wait for another day, as USC tries the 49-yarder and makes it. We're knotted up, 9-9.

7:31 p.m.: Judging by the weather in the Coliseum, it appears nearly every Cal game Jason attends this year will wind up shrouded in fog.

7:37 p.m.: The third quarter ends, and not nearly soon enough for my tastes -- to channel my inner Keith Jackson, the Big Mo' has been dancing with the team in maroon and gold ever since that ill-advised field goal attempt. We've got 15 minutes left in this and the Pac-10 championship is still very much up for grabs.

7:40 p.m.: The fourth quarter begins this way in the Schmeiser-Michaels home, as John David Booty throws to Steve Smith for a first down.

Phil: Shit!
Phil's wife: [Weary sigh]

7:43 p.m.: Let's just pretend like these last three minutes have never happened, OK?

Trojans, up by a touchdown.

7:49 p.m.: I've noticed an unfortunate tendency in Nate Longshore, both in the Arizona game and again tonight against the Trojans, to get a little jittery after the Bears fall behind. Witness the three-and-out in which the Cal quarterback threw two passes into the turf. As the Bears punt the ball away, I'm finding it harder and harder to maintain my usual indefatigable air of confidence.

7:59 p.m.: I hate to keep harping on this go-for-it-on-fourth-down in enemy territory, but it's now a fairly insurmountable 23-9 lead after a touchdown pass on fourth-and-2.

I'm as irritated typing that as you doubtlessly are reading it.

8:04 p.m.: As I contemplate another three-and-out for Cal, I'm wondering if Marshawn Lynch might be injured. Now, I'm not suggesting Cal should be running the ball down two touchdowns. But on the preceding series, when it was still 16-9, Cal threw on all three downs to no positive effect. Every time the Bears have successfully moved the ball tonight, it's been because they chewed up some yardage on the ground to set up the pass. So again, I wonder if Lynch's injuries -- he did come up holding his arm on a couple plays in the first half -- caught up with him. Otherwise, it's just inexcusably bad play calling by the Cal coaches.

8:14 p.m.: A potentially interesting turn of events there on the Lynch run. Naturally, it will be called back on replay.

8:20 p.m.: Well, there's still 3:21 left, but poor play calling and worse execution -- there's a theme for the evening -- causes the Bears to lose possession on downs. I'll be happy to be proven wrong, but I think I'm going to stick this game in the refrigerator.

I feel bad for Jason most of all. If I had the power to will one thing to happen in sports, it would be an A's championship while the team still played in Oakland -- but a surprisingly close No. 2 on the list would be Cal making the Rose Bowl, entirely because of Jason. I also feel bad that a certain subset of Cal fans are going to look at a 9-3 season and a Holiday Bowl appearance as some kind of humiliation.

So congratulations to the Trojans for their Pac-10 title and increasingly probably BCS Championship Game berth. I would also like to remind any Trojan fans who feel like gloating that I've still got a Whammy ready to fire off at a moment's notice. Ask Erica Lucero how that feels. So mind your Ps and Qs.

Whoa, wait a minute, the game is on TV? I'm on ABC and it's really hard to tell. Sure are lots of fancy cameras, inane half-stories about Bo Schembechler (there's a public viewing, btw, so I'm really wondering why he wasn't on the Michigan sideline today) and scary closeups of Paul Maguire's hands.

On the bright side, Marty, ABC/ESPN can cut to Erin Andrews on the sideline as often as they like.

That's true, Phil, but wait! Let's go to Paul!

"This is a great seat!"

Thanks, Paul!

The way Lynch was grimacing and the way he held his arm, at least the first time, made me think he hurt his groin, not his arm. But I'm no expert.

I'm disappointed that Cal didn't win the conference, but there's no humiliation in this season. Unless the Bears cough up a hairball against Stanford, that is.

Phil, you write great live-blogging. I about fell out of my chair laughing with "You know something? I've completely forgotten who's country this is. - Man, if only John Cougar Mellencamp could come along to remind me in song." and then I definitely did fall out when recovering from "That's now two big Cal plays shot from ABC/ESPN's "How Gophers See the Game" camera angle"

Great stuff.

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