Idiots Write About Sports

“This is uglier than Mick Jagger at an 8 a.m. wake-up call.” — ESPN analyst Fran Fraschilla, during the Kansas Jayhawks’ 27-0 run against Nebraska Monday night

To: Fran Fraschilla

From: Mick Jagger

Coach Fraschilla —

Your American college basketball is not really my sport — I’m more into what you blokes would call soccer. So I wasn’t watching ESPN on Monday night when the University of Kansas varsity team played the Cornhuskers basketball squadron of the University of Nebraska-Lincoln. But several of my friends were, and they immediately called me to tell me the most extraordinary thing.

“Did you hear what Fran Fraschilla just said about you?” all of them to a man asked me.

“Who? That bird who played The Nanny?” I asked.

But you are not The Nanny, are you, Coach Fraschilla? I think we can both agree that The Nanny never would have said something so terribly unfair. Because something ugly did take place in Lincoln on Monday night, Coach Fraschilla. But it was not the play of the Nebraska undergraduates. Instead, it was your hateful words about me that constituted the evening’s ugliness.

I gather from your statement that you do not find me particularly handsome. Well, here’s a news flash for you, mate, in case you haven’t glanced at my biography lately — I am 63 years old. Under the best of conditions, there are not many 63 years old running around who will be posing for underwear ads any time soon, and I have packed any awful lot of living into my 63 years.

Oh, I suppose I could have taken better care of myself these last few decades. But when you are leading the world’s greatest rock ‘n roll band on massive stadium tours around the globe, personal care can, sadly, fall by the wayside. Besides, who do you think is more likely to come up with songs like “Paint It Black” and “Sympathy for the Devil?” Someone who does some hard and fast living, wrinkles and age spots be damned? Or someone who’s in bed every night before nine after dutifully exfoliating his skin before bedtime. It’s called commitment to craft, Coach Fraschilla. Surely, that’s something you can appreciate.

Hmmm. I just glanced at your collegiate coaching record. Perhaps it’s not a concept you can grasp.

Oh, and another thing, buddy — I’m usually up by 6 each morning. That gives me time to get a little work in on the stationary bike and place my orders before the opening bell on Wall Street. By 8 a.m., I’ve usually finished my bath and am tackling the mountain of fan mail I receive — many of it from ladies, I hasten to add, who have no problem with how I look at 8 a.m. or at any other time.

Let me be even more blunt: I’ve gotten more tail by accident than you’ve gotten by design. Unless leading the Manhattan Jaspers to victory over Marist gets co-eds more excited than the opening chords of “Start Me Up.” I’m pretty sure it does not.

So back off, mate. The next time you want to make one of your “hilarious” observations, I suggest you leave me out of it. Besides, have you taken a gander at Keith Richards lately? Frankly, I have to avert my eyes whenever he strolls into view. Why not unleash some of that Fraschilla wit on him?

A degrading comment concerning ones appearance could spark a little anger. But need it go on to sexual conquests. If the writer of the last comment is who they say they are, the blogs on your sexual conquest and sexual acts posted lately could lead one to ignite a total melt down. It has to do with ones lips being donated......It is rather nasty and rude.

Yes. Or it could be that it was a pretend article. Either way.

Yes pretend it was, but the point being that "most" people on awakening are not beautiful. Plain and simple. Let it not lead one to expose themselves to an area of a greater critique. Pretend or not(articles),(written from) an exlover or not, a retired super model or not. Mans nature sadly is hurtful. Especially to someone who is in the public often. Bottom line, he who walks in public wears a target.

Scapade, you are a bonehead.

Just proving your point.

Steve-O

Well then lets try this one. I am no bonehead.
I am a woman with a titanium skull!

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